Tim Boothby

I was born in the Midwest and grew up in Iowa, Missouri and Texas. I guess you could say I had an eventful childhood, at least it was a helluva lotta fun! I enlisted in the Air Force in 1984 and retired in 2007. I saw a whole bunch of the world and racked up a lot of experiences in the process. Now I'm retired and enjoying life to the fullest!

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Luck Deficit Disorder

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Categories: Fandom & Gaming, Goofing Off, Memoirs, Tags: , , ,

Once upon a long time ago we were in the midst of a D&D campaign, one of the players was famous for losing characters. To be fair to him, they were all his fault. In this campaign he was going through characters pretty quickly, he’d rolled up six or so and the last one we pillaged a crypt and he’d pulled a necklace off of a remarkably well-preserved corpse. We were a ways down the hall when he said he wanted to go put it back because he felt like taking it would jinx him. We allowed as how we weren’t going to go back with him, but we’d wait a couple of minutes. We hear the crypt stone slid aside, then screams and the sounds of something being devoured. So, being good companions, we shrugged and moved on. Now he was without a character left to play. So, we let him play the pet pig from one of his characters. That pig was amazing, racking up the battle glories as we fought our way out. We were a week out of the closes town, too busted up to hunt, when we ran out of rations…and then he really was out of characters.

© 2017, Tim Boothby. All rights reserved.

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Gaming Loophole

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Categories: Goofing Off, Tags: , , ,

Once upon a very long time ago (I was 14 or so) I was playing with a fairly new DM that let my character amass entirely too much power and swag. To counter this, he told me when I hit my next level he was going to take my character and retire it to demi-god status. I was a bit heartbroken, it was incredibly overpowered and badassed and what kid that age wouldn’t want a character like that. I was dodging fights and still gaining XP and coming closer to that dreaded time of surrendering the character. I think I was within 25 points when a random encounter roll put me in the same room as a succubus. He looked at me in horror and asked if I was going to kiss it to lose a level and hold on to the character a while longer. Kiss her? Hell no, I’m going to sleep with her! was my enthusiastic reply. Yes, I lost about 3/4 of my levels, but I still had all the swag and gear, so he still had to put up with me. He never got the character, I moved first, and nobody else would let that sucker in their games, but I made the most of the time I had him, and gloried in the stress I caused that poor rookie DM as he tried to find ways to kill it off.

© 2017, Tim Boothby. All rights reserved.

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Swirly

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Categories: Fandom & Gaming, Goofing Off, Memoirs, Tags: , ,

Once upon a very long time ago my best friend and I made a road trip to what was either a small convention or a large RPG/Gamer meet. Take your pick. We were pretty early so we watched the Axis & Allies games for a bit. We saw a new game coming out called Star Frontiers. Checked out some Tunnels and Trolls, Boot Hill, Star Trek, Chainmail and who know what else. We also heard some rumors about something called ElfQuest. Around noon, the DM we were waiting for showed up.

This was comfortably into the 1ed edition AD&D days, but by now everyone had their own homebrew tweaks to the game. So, we say at the table with the DM and she started in on a bag of Whataburger, she’d had a long and hungry ride to get there. So Buck and I got out books and dice and snacks together and the mandatory 2-liters of Mountain Dew and the backups ready and sat back to relax while she scarfed.

About this time, two guys wandered up. We’ll call them Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumbass. Dee was a pretty quiet sort, Dumbass wasn’t. He looked over the table, dropped his bag next to Buck’s spot with a loud crash and looked down at the feasting lady at the head of the table. “That’s a player’s chair, sweetheart,” he said, “You’ll have to stand behind your boyfriend and watch when we start.”

She rolled her eyes and replied that she was the DM.

He called bullshit and I replied with my best sunday-go-to-meetin’ manners. “Dickhead, she’s here to run the game at this table, so yeah, she’s the DM.”

He looked over at me, at this time I was around 17 and skinny as hell. I mean, tease your hair to keep your pants up skinny I’ve gotten better since, obviously.

Anyway.

He proceeded to make a bunch of noise about wasting a table on a chick game, so I got up, grabbed his bag and carried it to another table and dropped it off. My buddy Buck stood up when he started to say something to me and since Buck was 6’4” and of the muscular persuasion he decided to keep it quiet, since he was a weedy-looking sort with muscle tone like a canned ham and a quarter of his body weight was zits. So, Dee and Dumbass wandered off and the gaming commenced, and it was EPIC! Fights so hard we were rolling dice with sweaty palms and dripping brows But, we kept hearing him making crappy little comments all through the game. Finally, they made a break for the bathrooms and Buck and I called for a break.

Sadly, Dee wound up stuffed in a tall metal trashcan headfirst and somebody beat on the sides of the can for a while. Dumbass went headfirst into the toilet. We never did find out who would do such a thing, and I’m still not sure to this day why my shoes were soaked so bad I had to run out and change into cowboy boots before we could finish the session, I must have really been sweating those dice rolls.

© 2017, Tim Boothby. All rights reserved.

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Meteor What?!

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Categories: Goofing Off, Memoirs, Tags: , , ,

One upon a long time ago, I was on a deployment and we were playing D&D one night to have a little fun and kill some time while we waited for the aircraft to return. I’m DMing and running an NPC in a wizard duel with a player, I go to throw the spell and brain-locked on the game. Finally I yelled out “Meteor Bukkake!” At least one double-nostril spray of mountain dew and I had a few minutes to kick start my brain while everyone is laughing. I still can’t think about a meteor swarm without a chuckle.

© 2017, Tim Boothby. All rights reserved.

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A Tip on Cows

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Categories: Memoirs, The WTF??? Files, Tags: , , ,

A safety tip for city folk: Cow-tipping isn’t a thing. Seriously. If you run across a field to build up enough momentum and somehow manage to surprise a cow (good luck, they are more attentive than you’d think) when you hit the side of the large, heavy animal, you will bounce off of it and it won’t feel good. Then you have several hundred pounds of ambulatory beef and leather’s full attention. By the way, cattle can run.

Believe it or not there have been scientific studies on the subject, and from these come estimates that it would take about six full-grown males hitting a cow broadside to possibly stand a chance. To do that you’re have to find a very inattentive and solitary cow, because they tend to group up, herd mentality at it’s purest, just to watch out for things like predators and drunk humans looking to knock them on their asses.

No, I’ve never tried to tip a cow, watched a few try it. Didn’t go well for them. Especially the guys that found out bulls can be territorial as all hell and chased them back across a fence before they got halfway to the cows. I’ve been in cow pens for various legitimate reasons, and on one occasion I had a cow stand on my foot while I was reading numbers on ear tags to find one that needed to be tested for something or another. Pushing said critter did not shift it an inch, it just turned and looked at me and made a loud protesting call that wouldn’t be confused with the traditional ‘moo.’ I managed to get my foot out but my foot hurt like hell for a few days.

I have managed to jump on a couple for very short rides, two ran away and I came off, nothing to hold on to, the third, a young-ish bull, chased my young dumb ass all the way to the nearest fence and butted me over the fence just as I was starting a jump to hurdle it. I cleared the fence and landed in an undignified lump a good 15′ or so on the other side. Alcohol may have been involved >.>

So, no cow-tipping. Doesn’t work, you want to play with beef, get some hamburger and make patties.

© 2016, Tim Boothby. All rights reserved.

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Snippet: Honi soit qui mal y pense

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Categories: Snippets

Question: “Why do you think cosplaying women have gone so scandalous? Why is such shocking behaviour mainstream? What possible defence is there for prancing about in such tiny kit?”

Answer: In honour of your Anglicized spelling habits (natural or affected unknown) I will begin my answer with a line from one of my favourite BBC programmes: “Queen Victoria is dead, you know!” (Are You Being Served, Series 7, Episode 8, The Punch And Judy Affair) The only place you’re going to find anything resembling Victorian fashion in fact, is Goth, Dreadpunk and Steampunk, and even there I doubt Queen Vic would approve of all of the fashion choices. Kindly set your calendar to the 21st century, people dress how they dress, in life and cosplay, how they want to because they are free to do so; and, to quote the motto of the Order of the Garter “Honi soit qui mal y pense” (Shame on him who thinks evil of it).

© 2015, Tim Boothby. All rights reserved.

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Snippet: Vices in Cosplay?

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Categories: Snippets, Tags: , ,

Her: “why do you take pics of people w/weapons and cigarrettes and stuff?”
Me: “Because they are depicting the character they’re portraying as accurately as they can. Deadpool has guns and swords, as do a lot of other characters, some characters smoke and drink and have bad habits and they choose to be in character. Kind of the point of cosplay.”
Her: “Well why do they pick such loser chaeracters then?”
Me: “For the same reason you’re asking me dumbassed questions, it’s fun for them and apparently you.”
Her: “why be rude dude?”
Me: “I wondered the same thing when you started taking about loser stuff, figured if that’s how you treat people it’s how you think you deserve to be treated. Golden rule and all that.”
Her: “dick!”
Me: No. Tim, says so right next to the stuff I type, handy, huh?”
Her: ” 凸(`д´)凸 ”
Me: “Oh wow, I’m number 1 with you twice! I’m blushing!”
Her: “you prick!”
Me: “If you prick me, do I not bleed? If you tickle me, do I not laugh? And if you annoy me, shall I not repay in kind?”

Her next sentiment isn’t suitable for all ages, so we’ll just call it a table flip.

Not on the friends list, so friends list -0

© 2015, Tim Boothby. All rights reserved.

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Snippet: The BDSM Looking Glass

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Categories: Snippets, Tags: , ,

Her1: “BDSM is just something for men to hide behind, it is textbook rape culture.”
Her2: “So since I’m a practicing submissive, I’m just enabling rape culture is what you’re saying?”
Her1: “Every man you’ve been with should just go to jail and you too as an accessory.”
Her2: “What men? I’m a lesbian.”
Her1: “Oh, well that’s different.”
Me: “@__@ ????”
Her2: “Bullshit!”
Me: “How the hell did I get dragged into this mess?”
Her2: “You know how you’re always saying labels and buzzwords are being used to replace actual thinking?”
Me: “Yes…”
Her2: “Meet [Her1] your poster child candidate for that argument.”
Me: “Okay, I award the mic drop to [Her2] and now I need to figure out how to get back to my side of the looking glass…”

© 2015, Tim Boothby. All rights reserved.

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